I’m looking at the Instagram / FB posts of a few content creators and authors I follow. (Okay, “follow” is a big word, and I don’t spend a ton of time on social media sites, because STRESS, but just go with me here.)
Occasionally, a creator will post a carousel with 8-10 slides, pictures of them being lovely, and there’s text superimposed over their pictures sharing with their viewers “something about me.” I love this. I always want to read the things people have to say about themselves. I truly love it when the post-er is someone I know. I love it when I think, “I knew that and I love you for it.”
Tonight I have the weirdest urge to create a “get to know me” post, but I want it to all be lies. If I posted an “about me” today, here’s what it would say:
I’ve been writing novels for thirty-five years, and every book I write has a marsupial playing some crucial part.
I only eat blue food.
My beditme routine consists of a pint of pickle juice, an hour-long massage, and a quick photoshoot with my pet tortoise.
The hair on my head is thin and wispy,but I can braid my leg hair.
English is my fourth language, but I don’t remember the other three.
When the aliens return, they’ll come back for me first because I’m holding the maps they left here last time.
One drawer in my kitchen holds only spoons.
My 9-5 career is telephone psychic.*
One year I spoke only in rhyming iambic pentameter.
None of my tattoos are spelled correctly.
Tell me a little something about you.
*Okay, but if that were true, I’d never run out of material to write about, yeah?