Something I know about myself: I’m not super great at needing people. I could go into a lengthy pop-psych discussion about why I think that might be, but I’ll spare you any ventures into self-diagnoses.
I’ll just have to be okay with the fact. I’m generally okay about the fact. The problem (and I use that word loosely—it’s really not a problem) is that I’m married to a very good person who would love to be needed.
Are you sensing a bit of tension?
I know. I’m full of drama.
This point of friction is a thing we (my husband and I) discuss pretty regularly, and although I find ways to ask for help, there’s always a feeling that I could do better at cultivating that needing.
I get it. I see this and many other shortcomings in a partnership.
The wrinkle/complication/other variable? In order for me to feel fulfilled, I really, really need to be needed.
I know. Comedy, this time.
How does this play out?
At work: Please use me in any capacity I can fake my way through.
At home: Please count on me for All the Things, because I’m deeply rooted in the role of nurturer.
At church: Yes. Whatever it is, yes. Of course. Obviously.
- This is related to (but not exclusive to) my love for external validation. I’m decades into the part of my life where I can say, “Good work, self. Well done.” I mean it. I believe it. I know it. But I sure still adore hearing someone else say it.
- I don’t require verbal notice when I’m filling a need. I can see something that needs doing, do it, and move on without calling attention to what I contributed (usually) (with room for improvement here) (life is long).
- My deep and abiding love of being included is tied strongly to this whole thing. I may say no to an invitation, but man, I love to be invited.
Here’s the rhetorical and philosophical question: Is this something I should fix? Is this need an evidence of some kind of fundamental brokenness? Ought I to attempt to be less needy (of being necessary)? Or is this a legitimate role to fill in society?
Hmmm.