I’m doing a scientific study about popularity and validation, which consists of me sitting here wondering why everyone else seems to have a whole lot of friends.
Point: Husband took these gorgeous family photos and has them mounted so cool, and hung on the wall. He wonders why nobody has said anything about the display. Um, sorry, love. Nobody’s come to our house since they’ve been up. Yeah, that was June.
Point: We have a kind of partying neighborhood. But mostly we hear the parties from inside our house, or from our backyard. Yes, I recognize that most of that is our choice. Mostly.
Not to sound ungrateful. I have friends. I do. Nice ones. Fun and funny and lovely friends who do really nice things, and serve my family, and care about us. But I don’t do extravagant girls’ weekend trips, or weekly lunch get-togethers, or shopping sprees. I’m not so much a big social kind of girl, and sometimes that has gotten me down. Not so much lately, because I’m getting over it. Maybe it’s an age thing, a maturity thing. Or maybe I’m facing inevitability. Either way, I think I’m figuring out how I can do validation from the inside.
And do you know what? Validation from the inside is heavenly.
Enter Stuart Smalley: “Because I’m good enough, and I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” (Or at least I like me.)
Maybe it’s part of that growing up feeling where you stop wondering what people are saying/thinking/telling/asking about you, because you realize that NO ONE IS. They just don’t care that much. And, good.
Maybe it’s a self-preservation exercise.
Maybe it’s part of that growing up feeling where you realize that you have limited energies for fostering and cultivating meaningful relationships, and maybe those energies are best directed to the people inside your own home.
And possibly, maybe, maybe everyone feels like this. Maybe we all sit inside our houses with our noses pressed to the glass wondering how and why everyone else is out there, together, laughing and eating good food and making memories. Meanwhile, I’m trying to unstick my face from the window, turn around, and enjoy the party going on right here.
Because right here? The party is pretty excellent.
(16) Comments for this blog
I’m the total opposite. I don’t press my window against the glass. I’m the one inviting everyone over. I don’t care if I’m popular, I never have. I just like to have people around. It’s not crazy at my house, but every couple of weeks we invite family or friends over. We go to the pool a couple of times a week with some other families from our ward. I don’t wait to be invited. I do the inviting.
I am the instigator most of the time, but that’s just who I am. I was always bored growing up on our farm because there was nothing to do. Maybe I’m trying to make up for that. I don’t know.
But sometimes, I am like you. Sometimes, I just want it to be us.
I’m the total opposite. I don’t press my window against the glass. I’m the one inviting everyone over. I don’t care if I’m popular, I never have. I just like to have people around. It’s not crazy at my house, but every couple of weeks we invite family or friends over. We go to the pool a couple of times a week with some other families from our ward. I don’t wait to be invited. I do the inviting.
I am the instigator most of the time, but that’s just who I am. I was always bored growing up on our farm because there was nothing to do. Maybe I’m trying to make up for that. I don’t know.
But sometimes, I am like you. Sometimes, I just want it to be us.
As Susan put it, she’s an instigator. Me? I’m the exact opposite. Nose against the glass, always waiting for someone to phone or email or stop by. I haven’t found that access to internal validation yet (oh how lovely that sounds!) and I hope I do. It’s rather silly sitting here wanting things I never make any effort to reach for.
As Susan put it, she’s an instigator. Me? I’m the exact opposite. Nose against the glass, always waiting for someone to phone or email or stop by. I haven’t found that access to internal validation yet (oh how lovely that sounds!) and I hope I do. It’s rather silly sitting here wanting things I never make any effort to reach for.
I can only speak for myself, but in my case it was a function of kids getting older. Not only did my teenagers place different demands on my time (so hanging with the other “mommies” just wasn’t happening) they also became good company (for the most part!)
On top of that, I also found that when all of my kids were in school, I really valued the freedom of coming and going as I pleased, and I became careful about who I allowed to lay claim to my unstructured time.
Something I have done, though, is arrange to have a monthly lunch out with two different friends, and a weekly lunch with my husband. Because my friends tend to be in the same situation as I’m in, they get the whole “please don’t hover” mindset. But we also know that it’s far too easy to allow relationships to die, so the 3rd Friday of every month belongs to Dawnie, and the 2nd Tuesday belongs to Elise. Every Thursday lunchtime is my husband’s.
That, for me, is enough. I think you’ll find a balance that works for you, too. It shouldn’t leave you feeling bad, though. So it’s a good thing to be examining this situation and deciding just what kind of social life you want, and what you’re willing to offer – or give up – in order to have it.
I can only speak for myself, but in my case it was a function of kids getting older. Not only did my teenagers place different demands on my time (so hanging with the other “mommies” just wasn’t happening) they also became good company (for the most part!)
On top of that, I also found that when all of my kids were in school, I really valued the freedom of coming and going as I pleased, and I became careful about who I allowed to lay claim to my unstructured time.
Something I have done, though, is arrange to have a monthly lunch out with two different friends, and a weekly lunch with my husband. Because my friends tend to be in the same situation as I’m in, they get the whole “please don’t hover” mindset. But we also know that it’s far too easy to allow relationships to die, so the 3rd Friday of every month belongs to Dawnie, and the 2nd Tuesday belongs to Elise. Every Thursday lunchtime is my husband’s.
That, for me, is enough. I think you’ll find a balance that works for you, too. It shouldn’t leave you feeling bad, though. So it’s a good thing to be examining this situation and deciding just what kind of social life you want, and what you’re willing to offer – or give up – in order to have it.
I can promise you that I’m not wishing I was over at my neighbors. No partying going on there….uh oh, too much info. Anyway, I get ya and I’m going to come see your lovely pictures. And, now I feel like I should come home teach you because, well…he should have seen them.
I can promise you that I’m not wishing I was over at my neighbors. No partying going on there….uh oh, too much info. Anyway, I get ya and I’m going to come see your lovely pictures. And, now I feel like I should come home teach you because, well…he should have seen them.
I did see the fabulous pictures, problem was, the teenagers probably didn’t tell you how much I loved the display!
Seriously, I get what you’re talking about. While I did just come from an extravagent girls’ weekend, that is the first time that has ever happened, and given that the participants were spread far and wide, probably the last.
We should have lunch when all the kiddos go back to school. Mostly because I love chatting with you, but also because I go a bit stir crazy listening to everyone else’s plans and talking to the nearly two year old all day long.
I did see the fabulous pictures, problem was, the teenagers probably didn’t tell you how much I loved the display!
Seriously, I get what you’re talking about. While I did just come from an extravagent girls’ weekend, that is the first time that has ever happened, and given that the participants were spread far and wide, probably the last.
We should have lunch when all the kiddos go back to school. Mostly because I love chatting with you, but also because I go a bit stir crazy listening to everyone else’s plans and talking to the nearly two year old all day long.
I so love Stuart Smalley. And, I always think of you as warm, social, and wonderful! Maybe it is just a time and age thing – I know I go through it. I kind of go in spurts – sometimes inviting people over and hosting things but then at other times nothing – it just seems overwhelming. And like you said, there is always enough going on in my own home. Love you!
I so love Stuart Smalley. And, I always think of you as warm, social, and wonderful! Maybe it is just a time and age thing – I know I go through it. I kind of go in spurts – sometimes inviting people over and hosting things but then at other times nothing – it just seems overwhelming. And like you said, there is always enough going on in my own home. Love you!
I used to feel this way until I started blogging. Then the friendships totally helped make up the difference for when I kept not getting invited to stuff in our new ward. Now THIS new ward is totally opposite. We get invited to more things than we can possibly go to, but I’m still so happy with my blogging friendships. And, like Susan, I’m becoming a huge instigator. We’re inviting new friends over every week and getting to know people. It’s really fun.
Still, that place I was in for the first year after our last move was NOT fun. And P.S. I’ll do a super extravagant or maybe just a chillaxed and low-key girls’ weekend with you any time you want.
I used to feel this way until I started blogging. Then the friendships totally helped make up the difference for when I kept not getting invited to stuff in our new ward. Now THIS new ward is totally opposite. We get invited to more things than we can possibly go to, but I’m still so happy with my blogging friendships. And, like Susan, I’m becoming a huge instigator. We’re inviting new friends over every week and getting to know people. It’s really fun.
Still, that place I was in for the first year after our last move was NOT fun. And P.S. I’ll do a super extravagant or maybe just a chillaxed and low-key girls’ weekend with you any time you want.
Finally catching up on blogs after being home for a week and a half. I don’t get this one. You made me your friend the instant we met. And not just because you gave me a ride in your husband’s cute little car. I’ve never had tons of friends, but I’m fiercely loyal to the ones who stick around. So thanks for sticking around!
Finally catching up on blogs after being home for a week and a half. I don’t get this one. You made me your friend the instant we met. And not just because you gave me a ride in your husband’s cute little car. I’ve never had tons of friends, but I’m fiercely loyal to the ones who stick around. So thanks for sticking around!