So there’s sadness. Grief. Sorrow. My sweet, wonderful, generous, laughing, picture-taking, movie-loving, wave-running, Beach Boys-listening, Elvis-adoring, milk-drinking, compliment-giving father-in-law passed away yesterday. As I held his hand in the ICU this week and listened to him breathe through the oxygen mask, I wanted that hope that his girls felt, that hope that he would pull through. But I didn’t feel it. I felt Inevitable. And I felt okay with that, but still so, so sad.
And there’s guilt. Because I’m not there. I’m not standing with the family, surrounding the hospital bed. I said my last goodbye over the phone. How tacky is that? I wasn’t holding Husband’s hand while he watched his dad go Home. And I should have been there, of course. So, guilt.
And then there’s excitement. Giddiness, even. Because I get to be a Star. Our play (“Joseph”) opened Thursday. Dad W. passed away Friday morning. We performed Friday night. And tonight. And tomorrow, and next week, and it’s SO FUN and I really, really love it.
And I don’t know how to feel that all inside this one heart.
And it’s hard to balance it all. My head would explode if I tried to feel it all at the same time. So I have to take a breath and remember: It’s time to feel this. It’s okay to feel that. And I let myself compartmentalize it all so I don’t just dissolve.
Is there a word for that?
(8) Comments for this blog
Bittersweet. But, that’s the wrong word. Actually, I’m glad you have something to feel good about as your family goes through this hard thing. It gives you a little hope for the future. Your family will be in my thoghts. And have fun in Joseph. Such a fun play to be in. I was Potiphar’s wife ( and Jacob’s wife and half a dozen other roles) in high school.
Bittersweet. But, that’s the wrong word. Actually, I’m glad you have something to feel good about as your family goes through this hard thing. It gives you a little hope for the future. Your family will be in my thoghts. And have fun in Joseph. Such a fun play to be in. I was Potiphar’s wife ( and Jacob’s wife and half a dozen other roles) in high school.
Becca,
I am so sorry you have to go through this once again. I think you deserve a vacation right about now:) I hope you are your family are well. You all are in our prayers!! Loves to you!
Becca,
I am so sorry you have to go through this once again. I think you deserve a vacation right about now:) I hope you are your family are well. You all are in our prayers!! Loves to you!
Feel what you feel, but let the guilt go. If you’re doing something wrong, act out of your intuitive sense of the appropriate, not out of guilt. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for your husband’s family. We lost my dad, very suddenly, last September. And life goes on. It just does.
Feel what you feel, but let the guilt go. If you’re doing something wrong, act out of your intuitive sense of the appropriate, not out of guilt. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for your husband’s family. We lost my dad, very suddenly, last September. And life goes on. It just does.
I’m sorry for the loss your family has had to go through.
I know it is necessary to divide our emotions.
I’m sorry for the loss your family has had to go through.
I know it is necessary to divide our emotions.