Why is it, do you think, that when I’m by myself, I never feel sad or lonely or disenfranchised? Why is it that I regularly feel each, every, all of those things when I’m with people?
Am I broken?
Isn’t loneliness supposed to come when we’re by ourselves? Isn’t company supposed to assuage that feeling?
Do you know that thing when you’re on a subway car and surrounded by people who are strangers and who are doing completely their own brand of nothing? I feel connected to those people when I’m there. But sitting in a room with people I know and like? Most of the time I feel kind of lost. Unconnected. Like either of the two following and completely unlikely scenarios would be true: I could leave and nobody would notice, or I am being judged and found lacking.
People are awesome. I like people. I love people. Even so. When I’m surrounded by them (even one or two at a time) I feel separate and lonely.
I would like to repair this. But I don’t know how. Or even what to call it.
Instead I’m going to go into a room by myself and close the door for a while.