I was always kind of offended by the phrase “terrible twos” – is it really fair to condemn a toddler for acting his age? But I get the problem. I totally do. And I think I know why it is what it is. (*Easy for me to say, my youngest is 12.) Here’s what I think: Two year olds are split almost evenly in two halves – no, not good and evil. “I want to be big,” and “I’m the baby.” Hold me. Let me. Help me. I will do it myself.
Fast forward three years. Many of the same behaviors are exhibited by a kid starting school. A fairly even split between wanting to be independent and wanting to be coddled. In my family, it happens again at eleven or twelve. Coincidentally (?) add in hormone shifts (sweet!) and this manifests itself mostly as moodiness – but work with me here. If you could figure out if the kid wanted to be snuggled or sent on an errand, wouldn’t you kind of have life managed?
What I’m finding now is that it happens again in high school. Here’s my theory: growing up is a series of decisions about how a person wants to be treated. Kid or grown up? I mess this up every single day. I assume my students know more / can do more / are willing to stretch more than they know / can / will. They freak out. “Too much pressure!” Okay, so I’ve been treating them too Big. So I back off. I assume they know nothing and will try nothing, and they rebel. “We’re not idiots!” No. You’re not. You’re in the process of growing up. And Process is the key. (*Sometimes I get it right. Or right-ish. I try.)
If I can keep this in mind, and if I can strike a balance, for a class or a section or a kid, I can help that kid succeed in the moment. Just like when my kids were tiny, and really, really NEEDED to make their choices. If I could give my kid a couple of reasonable options, it was far more likely that the choice of the moment would end happily for both of us. (As opposed to, you know, “What would you like for lunch?” which could end in a variety of terrifying disagreements.)
So I’m searching for that balance. I’m seeking to do it respectfully – to give genuine adultish opportunities for those who are leaning that way, and to be patient about repeating the same directions a thousand times (and answering “why?” questions over and over) when they’re feeling needy. When they’re lucky, kids grow up in increments. They do it over and over, a little at a time. I need to learn to access and respect their place at the moment. And, if I’m being fair, I still have days when I want to get wrapped up in a blanket and snuggled. And plenty of times I have a fit when I think I’m being treated like a dumb kid. This may be a lifelong process, so it would be awesome if I could figure out how to do it right.
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So I feel like it’s a guessing game with our high school students, “Do you want to be treated like an adult or a child?” … I was never very good at guessing games, probably because my brothers cheated while I assumed everyone played by the rules, but that’s beside the point. My point is, how do we take away the guessing?
How do we know how they want to be treated? Us youngions don’t have trained Wilhite perceptiveness. My first instinct is to figure out the patterns and memorize what means what, but Ive learned you can’t make formulas to accurately predict human behavior; trust me, I tried it on my wife when we first got married, it doesn’t work (I know, I am a true science geek). So my thoughts settle on the question-if asked, will the students tell you how they want to be treated?
“Mr. Welling, do I really have to stay in for intervention to finish my assignment?”
“You tell me, I think it rather childish to put aside your responsibilities, both for future career preparation as well as mind development for adulthood simply because you find it more boring than talking with friends, but what do you think? Should I encourage indulgence in childish irresponsibility or inforce the expectations for young adults?
Now this might be s little dramatic, but is it? Would these type of questions encourage reflection of just generate frustration? Can we just be blunt and ask, do you want to be treated like an adult or a child right now?
Maybe I’ll try it and see what type of reactions I get.
So I feel like it’s a guessing game with our high school students, “Do you want to be treated like an adult or a child?” … I was never very good at guessing games, probably because my brothers cheated while I assumed everyone played by the rules, but that’s beside the point. My point is, how do we take away the guessing?
How do we know how they want to be treated? Us youngions don’t have trained Wilhite perceptiveness. My first instinct is to figure out the patterns and memorize what means what, but Ive learned you can’t make formulas to accurately predict human behavior; trust me, I tried it on my wife when we first got married, it doesn’t work (I know, I am a true science geek). So my thoughts settle on the question-if asked, will the students tell you how they want to be treated?
“Mr. Welling, do I really have to stay in for intervention to finish my assignment?”
“You tell me, I think it rather childish to put aside your responsibilities, both for future career preparation as well as mind development for adulthood simply because you find it more boring than talking with friends, but what do you think? Should I encourage indulgence in childish irresponsibility or inforce the expectations for young adults?
Now this might be s little dramatic, but is it? Would these type of questions encourage reflection of just generate frustration? Can we just be blunt and ask, do you want to be treated like an adult or a child right now?
Maybe I’ll try it and see what type of reactions I get.
You gotta know that the opportunity to wrap you up in a blanket and snuggle you is one of eternity’s sweetest gifts. As as a guy who got to do it, I know you never qualified as a dumb kid.
You gotta know that the opportunity to wrap you up in a blanket and snuggle you is one of eternity’s sweetest gifts. As as a guy who got to do it, I know you never qualified as a dumb kid.