Once upon a time I made what I had NO IDEA was a stupid, hurtful comment to a struggling friend. She was telling me of a newly-discovered battle she was choosing to keep private – a diagnosis of a child on the autism spectrum. I said what I thought were the right (supportive) things, and then I said something idiotic about her choice not to “wave the flag” about her kid’s diagnosis.
— Here is why I said that. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who are fighting remarkable battles every moment with special-needs kids, and I applaud their parenting AND I LOVE THEIR KIDS. Having said so – I have occasionally heard acquaintances speak about their children with special needs as the need: Like, “I have my hands full with this CONDITION who also happens to be my child.” I am a huge supporter of parents who advocate for their kids, and an even more huge supporter of those who help their kids advocate for themselves. Something hurts me when a person is placed behind a diagnosis, as opposed to the other way around. I think the human being should come first, is all.
Now, I know that what I said hurt this friend. I didn’t know it for a long time. Naturally, as soon as I realized that I had been stupid, I apologized. I recognize that what I meant and what she heard were at vast odds, and that it may have driven a fatal wedge in our relationship. I do not fault her for this in any way. I was stupid. I said something vague where (hello) even if I’d been specific, it would not have been useful or helpful. I caused hurt. The fact that I didn’t mean to? Not relevant. The fact that I apologized? Not enough. I am not here to try to fix all the dumb I’ve been responsible for in my long, long life of dumb. I am here to say that sometimes I say things that are categorically stupid, and that when I offend I am sorry. I try to keep the stupid to a minimum. I really do.
This is an event that I think about on an almost daily basis. It happened YEARS ago. The thing is, I deserve to think about it. I deserve to have it on my mind. That bad decision I made might make me slightly less stupid in future discussions of that sort (or of any sort – thoughts about that mistake enter my mind in nearly every critical conversation I have). And I think it helps me choose to take offense less often than I might, because I consider that when someone I love (or like, or simply don’t despise) says something stabby or hurtful, I can – from personal experience – choose to assume that what I hear isn’t necessarily what he meant to say.
(4) Comments for this blog
So interesting you should talk about this. I’ve unknowingly said some hurtful things to people before and after I found out, I was absolutely devastated. Currently, I find myself on the other side of the table. I’m fighting a major battle right now and I’m keeping it as private as I can. At the same time, there is a person in my life who is constantly belittling me and lashing out at me for really trivial things. There’s not much I can do at the moment to avoid her. I want to shout at her, “I’M GOIING THROUGH SOMETHING RIGHT NOW! CANT YOU SEE THAT!?!” But how could she? It gives greater impact to the fact (for me, anyway) that we should always be kind because you don’t know what battles people are fighting. We are all broken in some way. We all have unseen holes in our hearts. But I’m also learning that compassion goes both ways. The offended, of course, could use compassion. But the offender, especially when they are an unwitting offender, could also use some compassion. So I love that you wrote this. You, by the way, are one of the most compassionate people I know. I’ve always admired the way you are so intuitive and I’m glad to call you a friend.
So interesting you should talk about this. I’ve unknowingly said some hurtful things to people before and after I found out, I was absolutely devastated. Currently, I find myself on the other side of the table. I’m fighting a major battle right now and I’m keeping it as private as I can. At the same time, there is a person in my life who is constantly belittling me and lashing out at me for really trivial things. There’s not much I can do at the moment to avoid her. I want to shout at her, “I’M GOIING THROUGH SOMETHING RIGHT NOW! CANT YOU SEE THAT!?!” But how could she? It gives greater impact to the fact (for me, anyway) that we should always be kind because you don’t know what battles people are fighting. We are all broken in some way. We all have unseen holes in our hearts. But I’m also learning that compassion goes both ways. The offended, of course, could use compassion. But the offender, especially when they are an unwitting offender, could also use some compassion. So I love that you wrote this. You, by the way, are one of the most compassionate people I know. I’ve always admired the way you are so intuitive and I’m glad to call you a friend.
Oh, this is timely. I am always saying hurtful stupid things that I never mean to say. the absolute last thing want to do is hurt someone and yet manage to accomplish that unintended task a lot. My sister’s husband hates me right now, and I have no idea what I said and since he won’t talk to me, I guess I’ll never know. It breaks my heart because I remember being good friends with him and I still love him. It puts a strain on my relationship with my sister (who won’t tell me either) but how can I fix it if I don’t even know what it is?
Because of this, I have made a very serious policy to forgive everyone. Life is too short. And I do not want to stop my own progression by chaining myself to a single moment where someone hurt me. I watched a neighbor of mine hug the boy who killed her daughter in a drunk driving accident. If she can do that, how could I do less for far more insignificant hurts?
But just so you know, Becca, You are a total light to me. I admire all you are and do and am grateful to call you friend. XOXO
Oh, this is timely. I am always saying hurtful stupid things that I never mean to say. the absolute last thing want to do is hurt someone and yet manage to accomplish that unintended task a lot. My sister’s husband hates me right now, and I have no idea what I said and since he won’t talk to me, I guess I’ll never know. It breaks my heart because I remember being good friends with him and I still love him. It puts a strain on my relationship with my sister (who won’t tell me either) but how can I fix it if I don’t even know what it is?
Because of this, I have made a very serious policy to forgive everyone. Life is too short. And I do not want to stop my own progression by chaining myself to a single moment where someone hurt me. I watched a neighbor of mine hug the boy who killed her daughter in a drunk driving accident. If she can do that, how could I do less for far more insignificant hurts?
But just so you know, Becca, You are a total light to me. I admire all you are and do and am grateful to call you friend. XOXO