Telemarketing: How to Win.

**UPDATE** Win an Amazon GC. Leave a comment before the 17th. Details by request.**

This is my brother. He’s funny, as you may recall that I told you here and here. He’s agreed to guest post. And I’m glad. Not only because he gave me three (3!) posts to use, either. Because it’s not just anyone who can catch a telemarketer in a semantics discussion about hookers. Trust me.

“Click”

Remember telemarketing?

“Hi, I know it’s dinner time, but it’s really important that we talk. What I have to say is incredibly important, and in just a few minutes, I’ll be able to share with you the key to (fill in the blank here).”

Since I go by my middle name, it was usually a pretty good tip-off when glib and collegial callers asked for some variation of “James.” After trying a few different get-off the phone techniques short of rudely hanging up, I got to the point where I would just respond that I don’t accept phone solicitations. I haven’t had more than two or three of said solicitations in about 5 years… since I got rid of my land line. I haven’t found a downside to having no phone attached to my home and name in the public record.

But what about all those people who are looking for you, trying to find you, unsuccessfully trying previously listed numbers from phone directories? I’ll tell you, I’m pretty sure those folks aren’t really out there. My insightful grandmother shared this gem with my father who, in turn, shared it with me: “You will worry significantly less what people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.” While that’s true, I digress… Plus I’m on Facebook and LinkedIn. If they can’t find me there, no phone listing is going to help… Now back to my telemarketing story.

Here’s a transcript from one of my last unwanted calls:

Telemarketer: Hello! Is this Mr. James Anderson?

Me: I’m sorry, we don’t accept phone solicitations.

Telemarketer: Am I speaking with Mr. Anderson?

Me: I’m sorry, we don’t accept phone solicitations.

Telemarketer: Actually, I am not selling anything.

Me: Did you know that “solicit” does not mean “to sell?”

Telemarketer (with a hint of trepidation): Excuse me?

Me (getting some momentum): That’s right! For example, you can be arrested for soliciting a prostitute when, in fact, she’s the one selling something.

Telemarketer (trying to regain control of the call): Well what if I just help you solve a really big problem?

Me (seeing my opening): Gee! Sounds more and more like prostitution all the time!

Telemarketer (gasping): Well! I… <*CLICK*>

Come to think of it, it was about that point that I stopped getting calls all together. I wonder if the telemarketing companies call each other to share notes.